Siblings Without Rivalry Read online

  OTHER BOOKS BY ADELE FABER & ELAINE MAZLISH

  Between Brothers and Sisters:

  A Celebration of Life’s Most Enduring Relationship

  Liberated Parents/Liberated Children:

  Your Guide to a Happier Family

  How to Talk So Kids Will Listen &

  Listen So Kids Will Talk

  How To Talk So Kids Can Learn—

  at Home and at School

  How to Be the Parents You Always Wanted to Be

  How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk

  BOOKS FOR CHILDREN

  Bobby and the Brockles

  Bobby and the Brockles Go to School

  Visit Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish at

  www.fabermazlish.com.

  Siblings

  Without

  Rivalry

  How to Help Your Children

  Live Together So You Can Live Too

  Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

  W. W. Norton & Company

  New York · London

  To all the grown-up siblings who still

  have a hurt child inside them.

  Contents

  We’d Like to Thank . . .

  How This Book Came to Be

  Authors’ Note

  ONE Brothers and Sisters—Past and Present

  TWO Not Till the Bad Feelings Come Out . . .

  THREE The Perils of Comparisons

  FOUR Equal Is Less

  FIVE Siblings in Roles

  If He’s “This,” Then I’ll Be “That”

  Freeing Children to Change

  No More Problem Children

  SIX When the Kids Fight

  How to Intervene Helpfully

  How to Step In So We Can Step Out

  Helping Children Resolve a Difficult Conflict

  SEVEN Making Peace with the Past

  Afterword

  I. Coping with Young Rivals

  II. Home Alone

  III. More Ways to Encourage Good Feelings

  Between Brothers and Sisters

  Brothers and Sisters, After All

  Additional Reading That May Be Helpful

  For Further Study

  Index

  Behold how good and how pleasant it is

  for brothers and sisters to dwell together in unity.

  THE BOOK OF PSALMS

  We’d Like to Thank . . .

  Our husbands, for their ongoing support and encouragement of this project. They were a daily source of strength to us, especially when the going was slow.

  Each of our offspring, who as young children provided us with the raw material for this book and who, as young adults, gave us valuable suggestions about what we might have done differently.

  The parents in our groups for their willingness to explore with us and try out this “new approach” with their children. Their experiences and insights enrich these pages.

  Everyone who shared with us their past and present feelings about their brothers and sisters.

  Kimberly Ann Coe, our artist, who somehow was able to sense exactly what we were after in our cartoon illustrations, and create a lovable cast of parents and children.

  Linda Healey, for being a writer’s dream editor, strong in her support of her authors’ message and style, gentle and persistent in her pursuit of excellence.

  Robert Markel, for his unwavering support throughout our career and for his taste and judgment on which we’ve come to rely.

  And finally, our mentor, the late Dr. Haim Ginott, who gave us our first vision of how the flames of sibling rivalry could be reduced to a small, safe flicker.

  How This Book Came to Be

  As we were writing How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, we ran into trouble. The chapter on sibling rivalry was getting out of hand. We were only halfway through, and it was already over a hundred pages long. Desperately we went to work to shorten, tighten, eliminate—anything to get it into proportion with the rest of the book. But the more we cut, the more unhappy we became.

  Gradually the truth dawned on us. To do justice to sibling rivalry, we’d have to give it a book of its own. Once that decision was made, the rest fell into place. We would put into How To Talk . . . enough material on handling conflicts to ease parents over the roughest spots. But in our “sibling book” we would have room to stretch out, to tell about our early frustrations with our own battling kids; to describe the eye-opening principles we learned from the late child psychologist, Dr. Haim Ginott, in the years that we were part of his parent group; to share the insights we gained from our families, our reading, and our endless discussions with each other; and to describe the experiences of the parents who took part in the workshops we subsequently created and conducted on sibling rivalry.

  It also occurred to us that we had an unusual opportunity through our nationwide speaking engagements to find out what parents around the country felt about sibling problems. We soon discovered we had a hot topic on our hands. Wherever we went, the very mention of the words “sibling rivalry” triggered an immediate and intense reaction.

  “The fighting drives me up the wall.”

  “I don’t know what’ll happen first. Either they’ll kill each other or I’ll kill them.”

  “I get along fine with each child individually, but when the two of them are together, I can’t stand either one of them.”

  Evidently the problem was widespread and deeply felt. The more we talked to parents about what went on between their children, the more we were reminded of the dynamics that produced such high levels of stress in their homes. Take two kids in competition for their parents’ love and attention. Add to that the envy that one child feels for the accomplishments of the other; the resentment that each child feels for the privileges of the other; the personal frustrations that they don’t dare let out on anyone else but a brother or sister, and it’s not hard to understand why in families across the land, the sibling relationship contains enough emotional dynamite to set off rounds of daily explosions.

  We wondered, “Was there anything to be said on behalf of sibling rivalry? It certainly wasn’t good for parents. Was there something about it that might be good for children?”

  Everything we read made a case for the uses of some conflict between brothers and sisters: From their struggles to establish dominance over each other, siblings become tougher and more resilient. From their endless rough-housing with each other, they develop speed and agility. From their verbal sparring they learn the difference between being clever and being hurtful. From the normal irritations of living together, they learn how to assert themselves, defend themselves, compromise. And sometimes, from their envy of each other’s special abilities, they become inspired to work harder, persist and achieve.

  That’s the best of sibling rivalry. The worst of it, as parents were quick to tell us, could seriously demoralize one or both of the children and even cause permanent damage. Since our book was going to be concerned with preventing and repairing any kind of damage, we felt that it was important to look once again at the causes of the constant competition among siblings.

  Where does it all begin? The experts in the field seem to agree that at the root of sibling jealousy is each child’s deep desire for the exclusive love of his parents. Why this craving to be the one and only? Because from Mother and Father, that wondrous source, flow all things the child needs to survive and thrive: food, shelter, warmth, caresses, a sense of identity, a sense of worth, of specialness. It is the sunlight of parental love and encouragement that enables a child to grow in competence and slowly gain mastery over his environment.

  Why wouldn’t the presence of other siblings cast a shadow upon his life? They threaten everything that is essential to his well-being. The mere existence of an additional child or children in the family could signify LESS. Less time alone with parents. Less attention for hurts and disappointments. Less approval for accomplishments. And most frightening of all, the thought: “If Mom and Dad are showing all that love and concern and enthusiasm for my brother and sister, maybe they’re worth more than me. And if they are worth more, that must mean that I’m worth less. And if I am worth less, then I’m in serious trouble.”

  No wonder children struggle so fiercely to be first or best. No wonder they mobilize all their energy to have more or most. Or better still, ALL. Security lies in having all of Mommy, all of Daddy, all the toys, all the food, all the space.

  What an incredibly difficult task parents confront! They have to find the ways to reassure each child that he or she is safe, special, beloved; they need to help the young antagonists discover the rewards of sharing and cooperation; and somehow they have to lay the groundwork so that the embattled siblings might one day see each other as a source of pleasure and support.

  How were parents coping with this heavy responsibility? In order to find out, we devised a brief questionnaire.

  Is there anything you do with your children that seems to help their relationship?

  Is there anything you do that seems to make it worse?

  Do you remember what your parents did that increased the hostility between you and your siblings?

  Did they eve
r do anything that decreased the hostility?

  We also asked about how they got along with their siblings when they were young, how they get along now, and what areas they’d like to see covered in a book on sibling rivalry.

  At the same time we interviewed people personally. We recorded hundreds of hours of conversations with men, women, and children of diverse backgrounds ranging in age from three to eighty-eight.

  Finally we gathered together all our materials, old and new, and ran several groups of eight sessions each on sibling rivalry alone. Some of the parents in these groups were enthusiastic right from the start; some were skeptical (“Yeah, but you don’t know my kids!”); and some were at their wits’ end, ready to try anything. All of them participated actively—taking notes, asking questions, role-playing in class and bringing back to each other the results of their experiments in their home “laboratories.”

  From all these sessions and from all the work we had done in the years before comes this book, the affirmation of our belief that we, as parents, can make a difference.

  We can either intensify the competition or reduce it. We can drive hostile feelings underground or allow them to be vented safely. We can accelerate the fighting or make cooperation possible.

  Our attitude and words have power. When the Battle of the Siblings begins, we need no longer feel frustrated, crazed, or helpless. Armed with new skills and new understanding, we can lead the rivals toward peace.

  Authors’ Note

  In order to simplify the telling of our story, we combined the two of us into a single person, our six children into two boys, and the many groups which we ran together and separately, into one. So much for rearranging reality. Everything else in this book—the thoughts, the feelings, the experiences—is exactly as it happened.

  Adele Faber

  Elaine Mazlish

  ONE

  Brothers and Sisters—

  Past and Present

  I secretly believed that sibling rivalry was something that happened to other people’s children.

  Somewhere in my brain lay the smug thought that I could outsmart the green-eyed monster by never doing any of the obvious things that all the other parents did to make their kids jealous of each other. I’d never compare, never take sides, never play favorites. If both boys knew they were loved equally, there might be a little squabble now and then, but what would they really have to fight about?

  Whatever it was they found it.

  From the time they opened their eyes in the morning till the time they closed them at night, they seemed committed to a single purpose—making each other miserable.

  It baffled me. I had no way to account for the intensity, savagery, and never-endingness of the fighting between them.

  Was there something wrong with them?

  Was there something wrong with me?

  Not until I shared my fears with other members of Dr. Ginott’s parent-guidance group did I begin to relax. It was pure happiness to discover that my misery had lots of company. Mine was not the only day punctuated by namecalling, tattling, punches, pinches, shrieks and bitter tears. I wasn’t the only one walking around with a heavy heart, jangled nerves, and feelings of inadequacy.

  You would think, having been young siblings ourselves once, that we would all have known what to expect. Yet most of the parents in the group were as unprepared as I for the antagonism between their children. Even now, years later, as I sit here leading my first workshop on sibling rivalry, I realize how little has changed. People can’t wait to express their dismay at the disparity between their rosy expectations and rude reality.

  “I had another child because I wanted Christie to have a sister, someone to play with, a friend for life. Well now she has her sister and she hates her. All she wants to do is ‘send her back.’”

  “I always thought my boys would be loyal to each other. Even though they fought at home, I was sure they’d stick together on the outside. I nearly died when I found out that my older son was part of a group at the bus stop that was ganging up on his little brother.”

  “As a man who grew up with brothers, I knew boys fought, but somehow I pictured girls getting along. Not my three. And the worst part is, they have memories like elephants. They never forget what ‘she did to me’ last week, last month, last year. And they never forgive.”

  “I’m an only child so I thought I was doing Dara a big favor when I had Gregory. I was naive enough to believe that they’d automatically get along. And they did—until he started to walk and talk. I kept telling myself, ‘It’ll get better as they get older.’ If anything, it’s gotten worse. Gregory is six now and Dara is nine. Everything that Gregory has, Dara wants. Everything Dara has, Gregory wants. They can’t get within two feet of each other without kicking or hitting. And they both keep asking me, ‘Why did you have to have him?’ ‘Why did you have to have her?’ ‘Why couldn’t I be an only child?’”

  “I was going to avoid sibling rivalry altogether by spacing the children properly. My sister-in-law told me to have them close together, that they’d be like puppies playing with each other. So I did and they fought all the time. Then I read a book that said the perfect spacing was three years apart. I tried that too, and the big one lined up with the middle one against the little one. I waited four years for the next one, and now they all come crying to me. The younger ones complain that the oldest is ‘mean and bossy,’ and the oldest one complains that the little ones never listen to him. There’s no winning.”

  “I never understood why people worried so much about sibling rivalry, because I had no problem when my son and daughter were young. Well, they’re teenagers now and making up for lost time. They can’t be together for a minute without sparks flying.”

  As I listened to their collective distress, I found myself wondering, “What are they so surprised about? Had they forgotten their own childhood? Why couldn’t they draw upon the memories they had of their relationships with their brothers or sisters? And how about me? Why weren’t my experiences with my siblings more helpful to me when I was raising my own children? Maybe it was because I was the baby in the family, with a much older sister and brother. I had never seen two boys grow up together.”

  When I shared my thoughts with the group, people were quick to agree that their children, too, were very different in number, spacing, sex and personality from the siblings with whom they had grown up. They also pointed out that our perspective was different. As one father wryly observed, “It’s one thing to be the child doing the fighting. It’s another being the parent who has to cope with the fighting.”

  Yet even as we were coolly commenting upon the distinctions between our past and present families, old and powerful memories began to surface. Everyone had a story to tell, and little by little, the room became filled with the brothers and sisters of yesterday and the strong emotions that marked those relationships:

  “I remember how angry I used to get when my oldest brother made fun of me. My parents would tell me over and over again, ‘If you don’t respond, then he won’t bother you,’ but I always did respond. He’d tease me incessantly to make me cry. He’d say, ‘Take your toothbrush and leave. Nobody loves you anyhow.’ That always worked. I always cried on that one.”

  “My brother used to tease me, too. Once when I was about eight, I got so mad at him for trying to trip me while I was riding my bike that I said to myself, ‘This is enough. This has got to stop.’ Then I went into the house and called the operator. (I’m from a small town upstate, and we didn’t even have dial phones back then.) I said, ‘I’d like the police, please.’ The operator said, ‘Well, ummm . . .’ and then my mother came in and told me to put the phone down. She never yelled at me, but she said, ‘I’m going to have to speak to your father about this.’

  “That night when he came home from work I pretended to be asleep, but he woke me up. All he said was, ‘You can’t handle your anger like that.’ My first reaction was relief that I wasn’t going to be punished. But afterwards, I remember lying there, feeling angry all over again. And helpless.”